Incumbent Beware! By Mike Gillis

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City Mayor.

Is there any other title that inspires more respect, fear and adoration than that?

Of course there is. Galactic Overlord.

But I'm not running for Galactic Overlord.

I'm running for Mayor.

"But how will you win? You have no knowledge of the political process. You don't pay your taxes. You don't even own a suit."

Those things are probably true, but they shall not deter me.

Because I've already won.

That's actually my campaign slogan: I've Already Won.

Today's modern voters dig confidence.

Also: people hate taking time out of their oh-so-important schedules to head down to the polls, the voting arena, or whatever you call it. If they think someone (me) has already won, why would they put themselves through the hassle of pulling a lever or punching a card?

They wouldn't.

That would be crazy.

And a vote for no one may as well be a vote for me.

I'm almost certain that's how these things work.

However, a catchy slogan and the possibility of voter confusion aren't always a guarantee. No siree.

I don't want a 'win'.

I want a 'rim-destroying slam-dunk from center court'.

And that's where my billboards come in.

Until now, every election poster created in the history of recorded election posters has looked exactly the same.

- challenger's name

- smiling headshot of the challenger

- challenger's slogan in a pleasing and easy to read font

The only, and exceedingly rare, variations to this formula are the image of the "challenger giving a thumbs up" and a small graphic flourish, like a star or a check mark.

That's weak.

Modern voters want a little 'pizazz' in their campaign propaganda.

That's why my posters will be gigantic.

I'll still be smiling, but with more of a "You know you want it" smile as opposed the the classic "You can trust me 'cause I'm old" smile.

And it'll be a full body shot.

And I'll be wearing a top hat and perhaps a tasteful cape.

My left hand will be clutching a large sack of money. And in my right hand, a long, thick chain. At its end, the Devil, whom I've beaten and captured for the good of the people.

The poster's font? Iron Maiden, and you already know what my slogan will read.

So if you already know it, it must be true.

So vote... Or don't.

It doesn't even matter.

See you in the Fall.

Three Ways to Make a Not Very Interesting Film More Interesting By : Mike Gillis

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image from snipercentral.com

•1. Add screen crosshairs. You know in a spy flick, when a sniper looks through his eyepiece, and it shows you what he's seeing with the crosshairs superimposed? Do that, but superimpose the crosshairs over the WHOLE MOVIE, even if it's not a spy flick. Especially if it's not a spy flick. This will give the audience a feeling of constant anticipation, like, "When's he gonna shoot these people?". But, since it's the audience who are peering down through the crosshairs, this technique may also add an existential element to the picture, like, "When are WE gonna shoot these people?". That's way more interesting.

•2. Add a CG ghost of a deceased person. Not as a character, and not as a part of the plot or narrative; just have them kind of float by at random intervals. Maybe howling and rattling chains if you're feeling dramatic. The trick to making this method work is absolute denial. When people/the press come up to you after a screening and say, "Man, that CG ghost of John Candy was weird", hit them with a confused look and claim that you have no idea what they're talking about. Maybe imply that they're crazy if you're feeling dramatic. After doing this a few times the public will pick up on it and conclude that your film must be haunted. And if I learned anything at Bible Camp, it's that haunted = interesting.

•3. Try smoking some weed. And throw some boobs in there.

People who need people By: Mike Gillis

People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

I like helping people.

Helping people makes people feel awesome, which means more high fives for me and/or me feeling better about myself.

Here are three ways I've decided to help people.

1. - Dress like Santa

"Everyone loves Santa!" Not true. Only kids like Santa. The problem is, all kids today know Santa is fake. The best time to be Santa probably would've been in the '50s, when kids still thought he was real, (but this is problematic because the '50s were also the time when suspicious parents were most likely to accuse Santa of being a "spineless commie.")

Which he was. [Is?]. Anyway, I would dress like Santa and entertain not children, but puppies. Just hop into the suit and roll around in a kennel full of orphaned puppies for a few hours. Delightful. This would actually be a two-pronged attack of people helpage.

Firstly, the puppies would be happier, having been visited by Old Saint Nick, thus making whoever adopted them happier still.

Secondly, immediately after the Great Xmas Puppy Frolic, I'd go visit some lonely and destitute homeless folk, cheering them up by a) being Santa, and b) reeking of fresh puppy. I can see them now, huddled around a clichéd but moderately warm thrashcan fire, that first wrinkled face looking up and noticing me, seeing the beard and big red coat and happily exclaiming, "Hey fellas! Look! it's Gary!"

2. - Be a 911 switchboard operator

Manning the phone lines for 911 is a great way to help in and of itself. But I've come up with a way to help even more. Picture an hysterical wife calling. "Oh my God! Oh my God! My husband is trapped under the mower! Please pleaase help!".

I understand ma'am. Please remain calm. I've notified an ambulance and they're on their way. Now go to your husband, and tell him I've also notified Batman. He'll be there shortly.

Bam. The wife will calm instantly, because she thinks Batman is coming to fix everything. The husband, even if he is seconds from death, will somehow, deep from within, find the will and the strength to hang on a little longer. Because he wants to meet Batman. This method also helps the real paramedics, giving them more time to do their job properly AND giving them an opportunity to discuss Batman during a call, which I'm sure they rarely get to do.

Is Batman even a doctor? I would say yes, he probably is.

3. - Always carry a lighter or matches

Always carry a lighter or matches in case a hot girl who smokes asks you for a light.

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Puppy Scratch Fever By: Mike Gillis

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"Dude, how was your Valentine's Day?"

"You know... It was the usual depressing shitshow that comes with being single on Valentine's Day."

"I thought you said you were going to a bar or something?"

"I did. I went to that college bar that all the freshman chicks go to. I brought a shoebox full of puppies with me."

"Puppies?"

"Yeah. Chicks love puppies. Puppies are the Lemon Gin of the animal kingdom."

"So what happened?"

"I got swarmed man. It was great. This one girl was all over me."

"What was her name?"

"I dunno. Sandra or Dawnette or something."

"Did you hook up?"

"Almost."

"What do you mean 'almost'?"

"Well, it was all aces at first. She was gaga for those puppies. It was pretty much a slam dunk, but then I botched it."

"How?"

"I said, 'If you like these puppies you'll LOVE my bed. My sheets are made of puppies'."

"And?"

"Face slapped. Puppies confiscated. Ass kicked to curb."

"Shitty."

"I know. She must have been vegan or something."

"So... where did you get the puppies in the first place?"

"Found 'em in some dude's yard."

"Nice."

"Thanks."

Image from www.nar.org.au

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. By Mike Gillis

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Image from londonteenagepoetryslam.com

There's nothing like spending a Wednesday night at your local hole-in-the-wall watering hole, exercising (exorcising?) the old beer gland and soaking up some dirty ass rock & roll.

What a delightful midweek social activity.

That is unless, out of fucking nowhere, your hole-in-the-wall watering hole is hosting a Spoken Word Poetry Slam.

More specifically an 'open mic' Spoken Word Poetry Slam.

There's a reason people hide diaries under beds people.

And that reason is shame.

Teenage girls know this, why don't you?

I'm as open minded as the next guy. If you wanna yodel while wearing a tampon tophat and have cocaine for breakfast every morning, that's fine with me.

But I have to draw the line at Spoken Word Poetry Slams. Especially SWPS's that happen at bars.

Bars are for drinking and loud music. You ruined my bar. I'm sure you think you're 'expressing yourself' or 'making an artistic statement' or 'are a cool person completely in touch with reality' but the fact of the matter is that nobody, absolutely nobody, in the world, cares about poems about other people's feelings.

Arts/entertainment wise, standing on a stage reading a poem about your laminated scrapbook of melancholy is the zenith of laziness.

And anyone who claims they really 'got it' or 'were totally feeling it' are only doing so hoping that you'll maybe have sex with them later. Which is also a zenith of laziness, Albeit in a completely different field.

Unless you're a famous author, a science professor, a really hot chick or Batman, there's a 99.98% chance that no one will give a fuck.

"But they clapped afterwards."

Only to relieve the awkward silence.

And maybe pity.

Some people are nice.

Not me apparently.

I’d rather watch a Mime Show.

"But that mime wasn't expressing anything? He had no message, man."

Yeah, but did you see when he was trapped in that box? "But he got out of the box?"

I know! and did you see how windy it was up there? Maybe I'm being a bit of a philistine here.

Maybe I shouldn't knock it until I’ve tried it.

But if (IF) I ever attempted to walk through the Ring Of Fire that is spoken word, I'd at least have the sense to moxy it up a bit.

An interesting story!

Sunglasses!

Throw a few jump kicks in there!

Adjective solo!

"Now you're just trying to be offensive."

Yeah, well, you're a retard.

Thank you and goodnight.

Lawsuit Pending: By Mike Gillis

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Image from http://www.safetyworld.com/

Warning labels.

Promoting safety? Not so much.

Protecting massive companies from getting sued by opportunistic morons?

Bingo.

Or maybe, just maybe, people really are that stupid.

That sticker on your lawnmower that tells you not to put your hand on the spinning blade may seem kind of unnecessary. but perhaps people are practising this. Why? Who knows. They're idiots. And idiots are unpredictable.

You know when you buy new sneakers and there's that little packet of silica gel that says 'do not eat'? If it didn't say that, would you be inclined to actually try some silica gel? "Hey! my new Pro Keds came with this weird packet of granulated chemicals. I should probably eat some."

Me no think so, Tim.

But maybe it's these very warnings that are encouraging people to risk personal health and safety for that sweet sweet negligence claim.

Maybe it's human nature (or at least moron nature) to do exactly what we're told not to.

For example: let's say a bottle of window cleaner came with a warning that states 'not for use on babies'. I'd say it's only a matter of weeks before some yokel brings his or her crying but gleaming infant into the emergency ward wondering what possibly could've gone wrong.

People should know better.

Fact! People do not know better.

A bottle of motor oil that says 'poisonous. Flammable. Delicious?'.

Well... maybe it is, you know?

Only one way to find out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the sun through a telescope while aiming fireworks at my face until those cans of forks are done in the microwave.

The Trials and Tribulations of Professor Jump Kick By: Mike Gillis

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Here is a brief list of the various Special Powers I have accumulated over the years:

- ability to erase memories (unfortunately this only works on myself and only when alcohol is present)

- unlimited jump kicks

- ability to smoke a cigarette while playing Nintendo and still win

- impervious to: alarm clocks, hot sauce, French

- ability to soar horizontally through the air (only for short bursts and without the ability to land)

- unlimited Simpson's references

- conjure invisible air guitar

- can hide a Canadian quarter in my right nostril

- third degree black belt in making girls feel weird

- ability to drop a "That's what she said" after absolutely any statement made about anything at any time

- advanced barbecue wizardry

- conjure awkward silence

- inability to perform reverse psychology

- spontaneous uncontrollable sneeze attacks

Since We're Already Talking About Van Halen... By Mike Gillis

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So I was listening to Hot For Teacher during my walk home yesterday, and it hit me (for the one-thousand, eighty-fourth time) what a killer fucking rock song.

The super-insaneo drum intro; Eddie's guitar at Face Melting levels by the thirty second mark; the classroom chatter; that other guitar part, and the awesome video. It's fucking perfect.

Then I was thinking, if Hot For Teacher really were a killer rock song, what kind of killer would it be?

That's easy. Crazy ninja assassin.

But then I realized ‘No. That is incorrect.’

Ninja assassins, even the crazy ones, require a certain subtlety, a finesse if you will, to silently and gracefully slay their opponent with honor and dignity.

Hot For Teacher is more like a 6'8" two headed Rambo, wearing a neon orange shag carpet tuxedo, with machine gun arms and cherry red Ferraris for legs.

Who is also on fire.

And yells 'WOOOOOOYEAAAAAHHHHH!!!' a lot.

Yeah. More like that.

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Border Crossing By Mike Gillis

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Guard - Do you have any identification son?

Me - Right here.

Guard - And what business do you have in the United States today?

Me - I heard you guys have awesome burgers.

Guard - Son... is that an unlicenced handgun on your seat there?

Me - Wha..? Oh, this. Haha. No, this is a fake gun.

Guard - A fake gun?

Me -Yeah, it's not real. I carved it out of hash.

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Gnome image taken at USA/Canada: www.birdwatchersdigest.com

Trespassers... By Mike Gillis

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Trespassers will be:

shot

prosecuted to the full extent of the law

charlie horsed

assholes

haunted. forever

fondled

delighted

added to "the list"

shaved

filled with childlike whimsy

single?

disappointed

filmed and later masturbated to

surprised when they meet SecuroBot

painted, dried, scraped and repainted

delicious

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70 years of Bill By: Mike Gillis

In honour of Bill Cosby's seventieth birthday (which was yesterday - I was busy) I’ve compiled a modest list of his ten greatest accomplishments. Let's all bask in the warm, hilarious glory that is ‘The Cos’.

Disclaimer: 'Ghost Dad' will not appear on this list.

- The Cosby Show. You simply cannot fuck with The Cosby Show. The first few seasons anyway.

- Picture Pages episode "Animals". You. Will. Laugh. And no one will learn anything. Which is awesome, because this is purportedly an "educational kid's show". Enjoy this one with some drugs; Bill did.

- Leonard Part 6. A movie where Bill tries to stop an evil vegetarian from controlling the world. I hear he accomplishes this using some kind of Magic Meat. Please, please, please, someone help me find this movie.

- Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. You love this.

- Silver Throat: Bill Cosby Sings. Actually contains a song called 'Don'cha Know'. Also, in the running for Best Album Cover Ever.

- Phylicia Rashad. Goddamn.

- Picture Pages episode "Shapes and Colors". Holy wow, he's done it again.

- becoming the first black actor to have a starring role in a dramatic television series with I Spy. Helped pave the way for a crappy Owen Wilson/Eddie Murphy movie.

- when Theo wanted that designer shirt to impress that girl at school but it was too expensive, and Bill, sorry "Cliff", refused to give him the cash to purchase it. Then Cliff made a copy of the shirt for Theo, but it didn't fit properly and Theo was hilariously flustered. No, wait. Denise made the shirt. Nevermind.

- His years spent toiling in the underground Omega Sector of the Jell-O laboratories, developing a new gelatin sensation codenamed "Jell-O Jigglers". Which is just regular Jell-O. In different shapes. Good on ya, Bill.

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Things I Would Maybe Think to Myself While Brushing my Teeth With a Live Jellyfish Instead of a Toothbrush, if I had to do that for Some Reason By: M

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Image from www.aloha.com

- Up yours, Colgate!

- I bet I could floss with the tentacles. I can't believe I didn't think of that until just now.

- Ahh... sweet hydrozoan.

- I wonder if Sandra ever thinks about me.

- What the fuck am I doing?!!

- I wonder if this jellyfish has reached adulthood; or if it'll maybe grow larger and more aware if I stop using it to brush my teeth. Also, is this jellyfish a dude or a chick?

- Mmmmmmm..... harbor fresh.

- I hope Pam and Jim can work something out. They're so good for each other.

- Ahhh!! Oh Jesus!!! Oh shit!! This would feel awesome if these poison tentacles weren't so stingy!!

- Vertebrates just don't get my teeth their whitest.

- Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute. Just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

- I wonder which part is the butt.