Career Rehab by Lannon McGregor

Attention celebrities: Has your career lost its spark? Do you suddenly find yourself waiting in line, like a schmuck, at your favorite restaurants? Has your agent stopped returning your phone calls?

Well Dr. Drew has just the prescription to rejuvenate your career and help you get back on top. Well… at least to the middle.

The program’s called ‘Celebrity Rehab’, the unscripted television series that cuts right to the heart of your most private affairs. Just pick up your nearest crack pipe, and/or bottle of scotch, and check yourself into the Pasadena Recovery Center. Why detox in private when you can do it in front of the glamorous eye of the camera?

At the Pasadena Recovery Center you'll find yourself surrounded by some of the most talented professionals in the field as well as some of Hollywood's top D-list stars. People such as:

Michael Lohan, Amy Fisher, Dennis Rodman, Heidi Fleiss, and the great Tom Sizemore!

Notice the instant changes in your popularity as people get to see a depiction of the real you instead of the spoiled celebrity they're used to seeing. Take Steven Adler for example (the original drummer for Guns N’ Roses). Adler was kicked out of GNR for his drug problems (which is akin to being kicked out of Rome for being Catholic) but with Dr. Drew’s help, he has become one of the most lovable heroin addicts on television.

So don't hesitate. Visit the Doctor and get your name back on the B-list where it belongs.

Closure (The Good Kind) By Mike Gillis

Okay.

I haven't been here in eons.

But I should let all of you know what I am doing now.


• Visual Webcomic!
• boat-misser
• multiple daily Twitter nonsense!!
• bindle party


Also, I have done the 'film' version of a post that lies within these very pages!
(Beachcomb Revue) has been accepted into the Brooklyn International Film Festival. Yes... in Brooklyn!

Also... also... more exciting new-projects to come. To get updates on those, you have to check Twitter for updates on those, check the Twitter. I think my blog, Sneakin' out of the Hospital is fine just the way it is, so I'm going to leave it exactly like this. Forever.

Thanks for all your comments, encouragement, and high fives over the years.

Peace, Love and Mirth;

Beachcomb Revue

Mike Gillis

Puppy Scratch Fever By: Mike Gillis

Visit Mike Gillis.

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"Dude, how was your Valentine's Day?"

"You know... It was the usual depressing shitshow that comes with being single on Valentine's Day."

"I thought you said you were going to a bar or something?"

"I did. I went to that college bar that all the freshman chicks go to. I brought a shoebox full of puppies with me."

"Puppies?"

"Yeah. Chicks love puppies. Puppies are the Lemon Gin of the animal kingdom."

"So what happened?"

"I got swarmed man. It was great. This one girl was all over me."

"What was her name?"

"I dunno. Sandra or Dawnette or something."

"Did you hook up?"

"Almost."

"What do you mean 'almost'?"

"Well, it was all aces at first. She was gaga for those puppies. It was pretty much a slam dunk, but then I botched it."

"How?"

"I said, 'If you like these puppies you'll LOVE my bed. My sheets are made of puppies'."

"And?"

"Face slapped. Puppies confiscated. Ass kicked to curb."

"Shitty."

"I know. She must have been vegan or something."

"So... where did you get the puppies in the first place?"

"Found 'em in some dude's yard."

"Nice."

"Thanks."

Image from www.nar.org.au

Lawsuit Pending: By Mike Gillis

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Image from http://www.safetyworld.com/

Warning labels.

Promoting safety? Not so much.

Protecting massive companies from getting sued by opportunistic morons?

Bingo.

Or maybe, just maybe, people really are that stupid.

That sticker on your lawnmower that tells you not to put your hand on the spinning blade may seem kind of unnecessary. but perhaps people are practising this. Why? Who knows. They're idiots. And idiots are unpredictable.

You know when you buy new sneakers and there's that little packet of silica gel that says 'do not eat'? If it didn't say that, would you be inclined to actually try some silica gel? "Hey! my new Pro Keds came with this weird packet of granulated chemicals. I should probably eat some."

Me no think so, Tim.

But maybe it's these very warnings that are encouraging people to risk personal health and safety for that sweet sweet negligence claim.

Maybe it's human nature (or at least moron nature) to do exactly what we're told not to.

For example: let's say a bottle of window cleaner came with a warning that states 'not for use on babies'. I'd say it's only a matter of weeks before some yokel brings his or her crying but gleaming infant into the emergency ward wondering what possibly could've gone wrong.

People should know better.

Fact! People do not know better.

A bottle of motor oil that says 'poisonous. Flammable. Delicious?'.

Well... maybe it is, you know?

Only one way to find out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the sun through a telescope while aiming fireworks at my face until those cans of forks are done in the microwave.

The Trials and Tribulations of Professor Jump Kick By: Mike Gillis

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Here is a brief list of the various Special Powers I have accumulated over the years:

- ability to erase memories (unfortunately this only works on myself and only when alcohol is present)

- unlimited jump kicks

- ability to smoke a cigarette while playing Nintendo and still win

- impervious to: alarm clocks, hot sauce, French

- ability to soar horizontally through the air (only for short bursts and without the ability to land)

- unlimited Simpson's references

- conjure invisible air guitar

- can hide a Canadian quarter in my right nostril

- third degree black belt in making girls feel weird

- ability to drop a "That's what she said" after absolutely any statement made about anything at any time

- advanced barbecue wizardry

- conjure awkward silence

- inability to perform reverse psychology

- spontaneous uncontrollable sneeze attacks