Saturday, March 29, 2008

People who need people By: Mike Gillis

People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

I like helping people.

Helping people makes people feel awesome, which means more high fives for me and/or me feeling better about myself.

Here are three ways I've decided to help people.

1. - Dress like Santa

"Everyone loves Santa!" Not true. Only kids like Santa. The problem is, all kids today know Santa is fake. The best time to be Santa probably would've been in the '50s, when kids still thought he was real, (but this is problematic because the '50s were also the time when suspicious parents were most likely to accuse Santa of being a "spineless commie.")

Which he was. [Is?]. Anyway, I would dress like Santa and entertain not children, but puppies. Just hop into the suit and roll around in a kennel full of orphaned puppies for a few hours. Delightful. This would actually be a two-pronged attack of people helpage.

Firstly, the puppies would be happier, having been visited by Old Saint Nick, thus making whoever adopted them happier still.

Secondly, immediately after the Great Xmas Puppy Frolic, I'd go visit some lonely and destitute homeless folk, cheering them up by a) being Santa, and b) reeking of fresh puppy. I can see them now, huddled around a clich├ęd but moderately warm thrashcan fire, that first wrinkled face looking up and noticing me, seeing the beard and big red coat and happily exclaiming, "Hey fellas! Look! it's Gary!"

2. - Be a 911 switchboard operator

Manning the phone lines for 911 is a great way to help in and of itself. But I've come up with a way to help even more. Picture an hysterical wife calling. "Oh my God! Oh my God! My husband is trapped under the mower! Please pleaase help!".

I understand ma'am. Please remain calm. I've notified an ambulance and they're on their way. Now go to your husband, and tell him I've also notified Batman. He'll be there shortly.

Bam. The wife will calm instantly, because she thinks Batman is coming to fix everything. The husband, even if he is seconds from death, will somehow, deep from within, find the will and the strength to hang on a little longer. Because he wants to meet Batman. This method also helps the real paramedics, giving them more time to do their job properly AND giving them an opportunity to discuss Batman during a call, which I'm sure they rarely get to do.

Is Batman even a doctor? I would say yes, he probably is.

3. - Always carry a lighter or matches

Always carry a lighter or matches in case a hot girl who smokes asks you for a light.

Visit Mike at

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