Incumbent Beware! By Mike Gillis

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City Mayor.

Is there any other title that inspires more respect, fear and adoration than that?

Of course there is. Galactic Overlord.

But I'm not running for Galactic Overlord.

I'm running for Mayor.

"But how will you win? You have no knowledge of the political process. You don't pay your taxes. You don't even own a suit."

Those things are probably true, but they shall not deter me.

Because I've already won.

That's actually my campaign slogan: I've Already Won.

Today's modern voters dig confidence.

Also: people hate taking time out of their oh-so-important schedules to head down to the polls, the voting arena, or whatever you call it. If they think someone (me) has already won, why would they put themselves through the hassle of pulling a lever or punching a card?

They wouldn't.

That would be crazy.

And a vote for no one may as well be a vote for me.

I'm almost certain that's how these things work.

However, a catchy slogan and the possibility of voter confusion aren't always a guarantee. No siree.

I don't want a 'win'.

I want a 'rim-destroying slam-dunk from center court'.

And that's where my billboards come in.

Until now, every election poster created in the history of recorded election posters has looked exactly the same.

- challenger's name

- smiling headshot of the challenger

- challenger's slogan in a pleasing and easy to read font

The only, and exceedingly rare, variations to this formula are the image of the "challenger giving a thumbs up" and a small graphic flourish, like a star or a check mark.

That's weak.

Modern voters want a little 'pizazz' in their campaign propaganda.

That's why my posters will be gigantic.

I'll still be smiling, but with more of a "You know you want it" smile as opposed the the classic "You can trust me 'cause I'm old" smile.

And it'll be a full body shot.

And I'll be wearing a top hat and perhaps a tasteful cape.

My left hand will be clutching a large sack of money. And in my right hand, a long, thick chain. At its end, the Devil, whom I've beaten and captured for the good of the people.

The poster's font? Iron Maiden, and you already know what my slogan will read.

So if you already know it, it must be true.

So vote... Or don't.

It doesn't even matter.

See you in the Fall.

Three Ways to Make a Not Very Interesting Film More Interesting By : Mike Gillis

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•1. Add screen crosshairs. You know in a spy flick, when a sniper looks through his eyepiece, and it shows you what he's seeing with the crosshairs superimposed? Do that, but superimpose the crosshairs over the WHOLE MOVIE, even if it's not a spy flick. Especially if it's not a spy flick. This will give the audience a feeling of constant anticipation, like, "When's he gonna shoot these people?". But, since it's the audience who are peering down through the crosshairs, this technique may also add an existential element to the picture, like, "When are WE gonna shoot these people?". That's way more interesting.

•2. Add a CG ghost of a deceased person. Not as a character, and not as a part of the plot or narrative; just have them kind of float by at random intervals. Maybe howling and rattling chains if you're feeling dramatic. The trick to making this method work is absolute denial. When people/the press come up to you after a screening and say, "Man, that CG ghost of John Candy was weird", hit them with a confused look and claim that you have no idea what they're talking about. Maybe imply that they're crazy if you're feeling dramatic. After doing this a few times the public will pick up on it and conclude that your film must be haunted. And if I learned anything at Bible Camp, it's that haunted = interesting.

•3. Try smoking some weed. And throw some boobs in there.

Moodswing: Review of an Eclectic Musician By: Lisa Brown

Moodwing's "Digging Up" available on Sound Therapy Records

As a music lover, I'm always on the lookout for new bands and musicians. I love the thrill of discovering, and getting the feel of, a new musical act before any of my friends. I love that moment when I get to share my new ‘find’, and watch the look on their faces as they respond to the music. So imagine how thrilled I was when I recently discovered a new musician who has some serious talent.

Moodswing is slotted into the ‘rap music’ category, but that's only a technicality. Moodswing is an artist who has experienced his share of life’s difficulties and who is now on a self evolutionary mission... fueled by therapeutic disclosure.

Different musical influences can be heard throughout his cd, Digging Up, (Sound Therapy Records). It's refreshing to hear a musician who doesn't believe in staying within one genre, but instead, uses whatever elements he feels he needs for a particular song to 'work'. With Digging Up, it becomes apparent that Moodswing’s songs go beyond simply "working".

There are many artists who earn a living with their music yet don't sound as professional as Moodswing. On his track, "Holiday", a female voice can be heard layered into the song, adding another dimension to the strong electronic elements. It has a ‘haunted’ quality to it, and the lyrics leave you feeling a bit hopeless.

Overall, Moodswing’s music is quite complex. There are several songs that lead you in one direction and just as you settle in, the song goes in a different direction. The melange of rap /electronic music is a welcome change for both genres. The track "Crash and Burn" brings a bit more funk, adding a ‘dirtier’ sound. As well, the song is both simple and complex. Although it sounds repetitive, the notes actually reverse upon themselves, making it sound as though it's being played backwards at times. This approach goes amazingly well with the lyrics, which speak of the problems of war and dangers of repeating past mistakes. While the message may suggest the path is simple and straightforward, the lyrics and music suggest the path is more complex, and requires re-evaluating our own past.

"Even Keels" leans toward the 'MC style' of rap. The music is quite basic, which is true to this style. I think that many listeners may initially view this as his weakest song, but I think that hesitancy comes from not being familiar with the genre. With 'MC style' rap, it's not as much about the music as it is about the artist’s rapping skills. As he reminds us, during this song, he doesn't have the professional, multimillion dollar studio to back him up. This song will succeed or fail depending upon the delivery of his words alone. Given this logic, it’s apparent that "Even Keels" is a success.

"The Gypsy" has some sick violins accompanying the vocals. When I refer to them as "sick", I mean it's a cool sound, but there's also something very disarming about it. If you've heard Nuttin' But Stringz, this is similar in the combination of hip hop and orchestral string instruments. But where Nuttin' But Strings has the violins carrying the tune, "The Gypsy" uses the strings to enhance his vocals. It's an interesting song because of the way the different elements are blended.

Moodswing is an apt name for an artist who can easily switch between electronic, funk, MC rap, violin/hip hop, and more. Because of this, I truly cannot pick a ‘favourite’ song. How do you compare the violins in "The Gypsy" with the funk of "Crash and Burn"? The songs all exorcize some inner demons, which are deeper than most due to the mainstream rap you hear. If you're on the west coast, make sure to check him out live, because you'll be in for a treat.

I'm a big believer in supporting artists such as Moodswing, because they are able to make whatever music they want without studio and commercial interference and/or limitations that keep them from sending their message. The result - music that is more pure, and has more heart than 99.9% of the dreck presently on our airwaves.

Image from: http://cdbaby.name/

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