Saturday, May 03, 2008

Incumbent Beware! By Mike Gillis

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City Mayor.

Is there any other title that inspires more respect, fear and adoration than that?

Of course there is. Galactic Overlord.

But I'm not running for Galactic Overlord.

I'm running for Mayor.

"But how will you win? You have no knowledge of the political process. You don't pay your taxes. You don't even own a suit."

Those things are probably true, but they shall not deter me.

Because I've already won.

That's actually my campaign slogan: I've Already Won.

Today's modern voters dig confidence.

Also: people hate taking time out of their oh-so-important schedules to head down to the polls, the voting arena, or whatever you call it. If they think someone (me) has already won, why would they put themselves through the hassle of pulling a lever or punching a card?

They wouldn't.

That would be crazy.

And a vote for no one may as well be a vote for me.

I'm almost certain that's how these things work.

However, a catchy slogan and the possibility of voter confusion aren't always a guarantee. No siree.

I don't want a 'win'.

I want a 'rim-destroying slam-dunk from center court'.

And that's where my billboards come in.

Until now, every election poster created in the history of recorded election posters has looked exactly the same.

- challenger's name

- smiling headshot of the challenger

- challenger's slogan in a pleasing and easy to read font

The only, and exceedingly rare, variations to this formula are the image of the "challenger giving a thumbs up" and a small graphic flourish, like a star or a check mark.

That's weak.

Modern voters want a little 'pizazz' in their campaign propaganda.

That's why my posters will be gigantic.

I'll still be smiling, but with more of a "You know you want it" smile as opposed the the classic "You can trust me 'cause I'm old" smile.

And it'll be a full body shot.

And I'll be wearing a top hat and perhaps a tasteful cape.

My left hand will be clutching a large sack of money. And in my right hand, a long, thick chain. At its end, the Devil, whom I've beaten and captured for the good of the people.

The poster's font? Iron Maiden, and you already know what my slogan will read.

So if you already know it, it must be true.

So vote... Or don't.

It doesn't even matter.

See you in the Fall.

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