Saturday, May 03, 2008

Three Ways to Make a Not Very Interesting Film More Interesting By : Mike Gillis

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•1. Add screen crosshairs. You know in a spy flick, when a sniper looks through his eyepiece, and it shows you what he's seeing with the crosshairs superimposed? Do that, but superimpose the crosshairs over the WHOLE MOVIE, even if it's not a spy flick. Especially if it's not a spy flick. This will give the audience a feeling of constant anticipation, like, "When's he gonna shoot these people?". But, since it's the audience who are peering down through the crosshairs, this technique may also add an existential element to the picture, like, "When are WE gonna shoot these people?". That's way more interesting.

•2. Add a CG ghost of a deceased person. Not as a character, and not as a part of the plot or narrative; just have them kind of float by at random intervals. Maybe howling and rattling chains if you're feeling dramatic. The trick to making this method work is absolute denial. When people/the press come up to you after a screening and say, "Man, that CG ghost of John Candy was weird", hit them with a confused look and claim that you have no idea what they're talking about. Maybe imply that they're crazy if you're feeling dramatic. After doing this a few times the public will pick up on it and conclude that your film must be haunted. And if I learned anything at Bible Camp, it's that haunted = interesting.

•3. Try smoking some weed. And throw some boobs in there.

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