Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Bean to Pick with Starbucks by Lannon McGregor

Visit Swanktrendz


I woke myself from a short sleep to greet Monday with saggy, heavy eyes. The morning air was topped with a crispy crust of fog with a mist and cloud-filled center.

Habit forced me to stop for my usual Starbucks' fix. Lucky for me, I had half a dozen Starbucks' outlets to choose from during my five-minute walk to the Sky Train Station in downtown Vancouver.

While I was waiting for my Venti Americano (aka extra-large coffee), I impulsively grabbed a bottle of water and paid $1.99 for this 'seemingly' normal beverage.

Now, allow me to confess: I am not known for "paying" for water. Call me crazy, but I believe the freshness of water tastes just the same from the tap as it does bottled (aside from the general smug feeling one gets from the obviously elitist choice to pay for water), and such was the case with my purchase of Starbucks' "Ethos" water except Ethos had a promotion which spoke to my innermost humanity.

After looking at the heart-tugging, subliminally prompting, (the image was of clearly thirsty Africans) and reading the "Help the World", or some equally similar hippie-bullshit promotion, I assumed that my Ethos water-purchasing-coins would contribute to implementing change in an otherwise, impoverished country.

And then I scanned the information on the back label which read:
... only 10 cents of my $1.99 contribution would go towards building wells for villagers in Africa...
and, I've gotta tell you, I was appalled. Here's a company which can afford to put two outlets directly across the street from each other, but can't afford to dish out more than 10 cents per bottle towards the promoted charity? Yet somehow they can justify charging two bucks for a bottle of water, by disguising the sale as a lame-ass excuse for a humanitarian mission instead of as the marketing ploy it is? I mean 10 cents? C'mon! That's not even 10% of the proceeds yet the charitable aspect is 90% of their campaign to sell the product. It's ridiculous to think we have to pay as much as $2.00 for water just to get a company to take some responsibility in helping someone.

This whole scheme is marketing at its best. We are always force fed guilt like it's our job, as middle class working stiffs, to help the poor whom these corporations are generally getting rich from. Why do we have to buy a happy meal from billionaire corporations like McDonalds just to encourage their (tax-deductible) charitable contribution of 10 cents to Childrens' Hospital?

Corporations are the only groups with the means to help and provide REAL change, yet time and time again they are ignoring their obligations by constantly passing off the responsibility to their consumers by using these charitable marketing schemes to play on our compassion.

The funny thing about it is, I passed a homeless man on the way in who asked me for change and I told him to get a job. Had I given the clearly, alcohol-dependent man the $2.00 I spent on the water, at least I would have been giving to a more immediate cause, rather than having my money sucked into the vacuum of a faceless corporation. After all, everyone's gotta drink something.

On the plus side, I am glad to see Starbucks do SOMETHING for a country they have been raping for all these years. I wonder how much those Ethiopian bean pickers make per hour?

I wonder if it's more or less than a bottle of Ethos water?

I hear it's awful hot over there...

Friday, September 14, 2007

Das Kapital 2007 by Shane Christensen



Image from craigmarlatt.com

Yesterday (after I followed my usual morning routine of firing up the computer and kettle) I settled in to read the Eastern daily news/blues and was thrilled to read about Canada’s latest batch of billionaires. Finally, a news item to put a smile on my face.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no ideological/anti-capitalism argument to present someone for being a billionaire. It is a major accomplishment that the vast majority of the human race will never realize. It’s impressive!!!

But after reading several bios and histories accompanying an individual or family, I was back to my cynical self; belittling their success with my ‘That’s not fair! They inherited it!' dismissive attitude.

My bone of contention - the one which stood out the most was the sheer amount of wealth these individuals had in their possession. It was mind boggling. I’m not going to name names or anything because I’m intimidated by billionaires. (They may actually have the means to make me poorer than I already am.) But, come on... does anyone need more than a billion dollars in petty cash?

A majority of the names on the list inherited their wealth, and thus, were born with the proverbial ‘silver spoon’ in their mouths. As a result of spoon placement, they merely fell into their position of living royally. Is it outrageous for the average tax paying Canadian to ask for a type of a cap, or inheritance ceiling,be attached to much money one could amass? (Within reason, so the outrageously rich do not become too upset?)

Aha - a great proposition that would garner an unprecedented number of Yay votes if we put it to a referendum worded as follows:

Once an individual’s accumulated wealth exceeds the billion dollar mark, all further accumulated monies would be redirected to a For the Greater Good petty cash account. The monies in this account would be divvied out in lottery fashion to fellow Canadians citizens in increments of, let’s say… one million dollars.

Of course there would be rules and restrictions, such as... To be a recipient of a For the Greater Good bursary, one must be a law abiding, tax paying, productive member of society who has never carried the ‘wealthy’ title. We could define a person who is ‘wealthy’ as being one whose bank account contains a million dollars.

I greatly respect the free market capitalist system and would never think of undermining it. However, unbridled greed is like bad plumbing. Too much concentration of wealth at one level is simply going to clog the pipes of free enterprise, and that's not good for anyone. Even billionaires.

Can’t we all just get along? By Shane Christensen

Over the last week I’ve read a few news items that caused me great concern.

No, it’s not global warming or the whole Iraq mess.

I’m talking about this whole Fifty Cent/Kanye West feud that has spilled over into the media and is getting nastier by the minute. It intensified with the simultaneous release of their new albums on Tuesday.

Things are so bad, Fiddy issued a communiqué stating he would walk away from the industry if he was outsold by Kanye. Gotta go…I’m off to my nearest record store to buy everything Kanye’s ever done.

And how ‘bout Kid Rock bitch slapping Tommy Lee at the MTV Awards in Vegas?

Come on guys, it’s bad enough getting publicly dumped by the same B.C. bimbo (my apologies to western readership who worship her as a goddess), but now this!!!

Can’t we all just get along?

In unrelated news, the Russian military resumed long range bomber patrols along border regions and announced the successful testing of the most powerful non-nuclear explosive in history, while Vladmir Putin effectively dissolved the Russian Government.

See, even they’re rattled over this whole Fiddy/Kanye thing!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Since We're Already Talking About Van Halen... By Mike Gillis

Visit Swanktrendz

So I was listening to Hot For Teacher during my walk home yesterday, and it hit me (for the one-thousand, eighty-fourth time) what a killer fucking rock song.

The super-insaneo drum intro; Eddie's guitar at Face Melting levels by the thirty second mark; the classroom chatter; that other guitar part, and the awesome video. It's fucking perfect.

Then I was thinking, if Hot For Teacher really were a killer rock song, what kind of killer would it be?

That's easy. Crazy ninja assassin.

But then I realized ‘No. That is incorrect.’

Ninja assassins, even the crazy ones, require a certain subtlety, a finesse if you will, to silently and gracefully slay their opponent with honor and dignity.

Hot For Teacher is more like a 6'8" two headed Rambo, wearing a neon orange shag carpet tuxedo, with machine gun arms and cherry red Ferraris for legs.

Who is also on fire.

And yells 'WOOOOOOYEAAAAAHHHHH!!!' a lot.

Yeah. More like that.

Visit Mike Gillis

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Border Crossing By Mike Gillis

Visit Swank’s Home Site


Guard - Do you have any identification son?

Me - Right here.

Guard - And what business do you have in the United States today?

Me - I heard you guys have awesome burgers.

Guard - Son... is that an unlicenced handgun on your seat there?

Me - Wha..? Oh, this. Haha. No, this is a fake gun.

Guard - A fake gun?

Me -Yeah, it's not real. I carved it out of hash.

Visit Mike’s Blog

Gnome image taken at USA/Canada: www.birdwatchersdigest.com