Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Video Seriously Injured the Radio Star, who Later Died From his Wounds Shortly After Arriving at the Hospital

By: Mike Gillis

Here's a list of what I believe to be the 25 greatest music videos of all time. you should believe this too. C'mon.

{If you haven't seen any of these there's a pretty solid chance they're floatin' around this here internet somewhere. Dig in.}

Blur - Coffee & TV:

A jaunty little tale about a living carton of milk searching to find a missing guitarist in the dangerous city. He runs into a lovely female carton of strawberry milk who is sadly crushed under someone's foot. (If it were my video I would've introduced some chocolate milk cartons and tried to send a message about the growing racial tensions in some of today's cities ...but I guess they were probably trying to keep things "fun".)

Judas Priest - Freewheel Burnin':

A young boy is playing a racing game in an arcade when he discovers that Judas Priest are living inside the game somehow. The band proceed to play some lively metal, so lively in fact that lasers begin spewing forth from their guitars, flying out of the machine and filling the air in the arcade. The various headbangers who inhabit the arcade appear to be pleased with said lasers. NOTE: no special effects were used in the making of this clip. the members of Judas Priest were conjuring actual lasers with their instruments.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Beastie Boys - Sabotage:

I do not have to explain this one. Best. Bass riff. Ever.

Michael Jackson - Beat It:

Sure Thriller was bigger, and Billie Jean had those light up sidewalks, but this video is almost perfect. Who knew you could diffuse and inner city gang war with slick dancing and spazzy leather jackets. An Eddie Van Halen guitar solo doesn't hurt either.

Leonard Nimoy - The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins:

That's correct. Mr. Spock and a gaggle of overeager preteens in technicolor t-shirts sing a disgustingly upbeat tribute to everyone's second favourite hobbit... but why?

Beck - Loser:

Flaming squeegee? Check. Star Wars helmet? Check. Leaf blower? Check. Cute girls dancing in a cemetery? Check. A windshield covered in blood? Check. Astronauts in a pickup truck? Check. etc. etc. etc.

Coolio - Fantastic Voyage:

Coolio falls asleep on his porch. Moments later some sort of "magic pimp" appears, and with one shake of his pimp cane, turns Coolio's bicycle into a phat, low ridin' convertible. the booty-shakenist beach party ever ensues. (But was it all a dream?)

Prince - Batdance:

Will someone please tell me what I'm looking at?

Nirvana - In Bloom:

Kurt and company imagine what it would be like if they were a bunch of "clean cut young men" on an old time black and white variety programme. Wearing dresses and breaking stuff ensues.

Dio - Holy Diver:

Ronnie James Dio dresses up like a barbarian warrior and threatens another barbaric warrior in the shell of a burned out church. I bet Dio was the one who burned down the church. He's evil like that.

Radiohead - Just:

I wonder what that man said to make everyone lie down in the street like that. Probably something like, "Everybody lie down". People are stupid sometimes.

Van Halen - Hot For Teacher:

This video gives the viewer an idea of how awesome it would be to go to the same high school as Van Halen. And guess what; that super hot Phys. Ed teacher... that's Wayne Gretzky's wife. For realsies.

Marilyn Manson - The Dope Show:

And seemingly out of nowhere, Mr. Manson grows some nipple-less boobs, gets kidnapped by faceless scientists and proceeds to skewer the cult of celebrity and poke some fun at the police force as well. Also, this is the only music video to visually reference Alejandro Jodorowski's 'Holy Mountain', which is the biggest, most hallucinatory mindfuck of a movie ever created. Good luck finding it.

Cameo - Word Up:

Painfully ridiculous video about a detective (played by Levar Burton) who dances and who also watches Cameo dance. Cameo is wearing some sort of 'Road Warrior meets Flashdance' type shit that involve a bright red codpiece. Word up?

Smashing Pumpkins - 1979:

Yeah. I remember doing stuff when I was a kid too.

Dokken - Dream Warriors:

The good ol' boys in Dokken wrote this tune for the Nightmare on Elm St. Film of the same name. So naturally the video is 50% Dokken rocking out and 50% clips of Freddy chasing troubled teenagers. The best part? The end, when we discover the whole video is actually a bad dream that Freddy himself is having... about Dokken! his line: "What a nightmare!....who were those guys?" Scary.

Sir Mix-a-Lot - Baby Got Back:

This is the 'Snakes On A Plane' of music videos; you know exactly what you're going to get. Or do you? Is it just me, or is there an uncomfortable amount of fresh produce for a video about girl's asses. Also: stuffed?

Foo Fighters - Everlong:

Another dream sequence video. Actually, a dream within a dream (within a dream?) video. I don't really understand what the shit is happening, but man it looks fucking rad.

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized:

So this guy's just walking around talking about how shitty stuff is and how no one understands him and stuff. He seems pretty pissed off. Let's move on.

Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug:

Trent cuts a killer 'stache, drinks some absinthe and freaks out in the best looking haunted castle I've ever seen. I wish I had a hedge maze and some abstract sculptures. And a sword. And whatever that electro-wheel shit is.

Snoop Doggy Dogg - What's My Name:

One time I hooked up with this chick at a bar and we ended up going back to her mom's place, because apparently mom was out for the night. While we were in her mother's bed, mother decided to come home unexpectedly and I was forced to hide in mother's closet. While I stood there, naked and drunk in the darkness, trying to block out the sound of mother yelling at daughter, demanding to know, "Whose fucking shoes are these!", I thought about this video. Specifically the beginning, where that angry father suspects that Snoop is poking his attractive young daughter. "Is that dog in there!? I want that dog outta my house!" I don't know why I'm bringing this up. The important thing is that I managed to escape and Snoop managed to sell about six million rekkids. Bow wow.

Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At?:

Where's MY head at? Behind this pillow, because this video is the most terrifying piece of film I have ever seen. And I honestly never want to see it again. Shit gives me fucking nightmares.

Aerosmith - Crazy:

When I was fifteen, this was the sexiest video in the world. Oh Alicia Silverstone, why couldn't we have stayed young together?

Beck - Sexx Laws:

I know Beck was already on the list, but check this shit out. A haunted kitchen! A refrigerator fucking a stove from behind! Jack Black! A space wizard! A rotating, banjo playing zebra! Tassels! This is what drugs should be like.

Guns N' Roses - 3-way tie!!! - Don't Cry / November Rain / Estranged:

Jesus, where do I even start. Let's see. Ok Axl... being naked and twitchy underground in Don't Cry? Highly unnecessary! Swimming with the motherfucking dolphins in Estranged? Double highly unnecessary! And November Rain? Axl... step away from the piano. You do not belong there. (Maybe that abandoned ship in the middle of the ocean isn't such a bad idea.)

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