Good Morning, Officer... By: MIke Gillis

These were the first words I muttered Sunday morning after being awoken by a pair of Halifax's Finest.

I opened my eyes to see the two of them standing over me, their Chariot of Incarceration idling by the curb.

What have I done?, I thought.
Is sleeping in a crime?
Well, kind of, yes.
Especially if you're caught sleeping in on someone's lawn.
And that was certainly what I appeared to be doing.
Flat on my back.
My left arm wrapped in a surgical cast and my right elbow-deep in a mysterious bag of potato chips. The gaseous plumes of whiskey and Jager emanating from my pores were probably visible from two hundred yards away.

Had they stumbled across me during the morning patrol or had someone summoned them to take me away? Was I snoring?
As I sat up one of the officers moved forward ...."Alright, come with us."

"Na nuh occife, Im'wa jus stoppn fer a resssy poo... Imns goin home nww."

Officer: "Do you even know where you are right now?"

"Surr beh," I pointed up the road, "das werri wrk der beh."
And, through the miracle of some collapsing vortex of geography and lost information mindfuckery, I was indeed pointing to the building where I work.

Officer (skeptical as shit): "Where do you live?"

"Hollish," I pointed in the opposite direction.

"Can you make it to Hollis St.?"

"Sure beh," I shakily rise and begin staggering down the street.
They did not pursue.
And I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I may have thanked them for rousing me before I got a nasty sunburn.

You see folks, I have this disease where sometimes I think something is a really good idea, when it is, in actuality, a very poor idea.
Like treating a stranger's front lawn like it's my personal sofa.

Another example of this would be the time I tried using my skateboard on a patch of black ice, because obviously zero friction = way easier to do tricks.
That ordeal also left me unconscious on the ground.
But that's neither here nor there.

I'd just like to say that I'm thankful for at least two things.
One: that I finally got to got to camp outdoors this summer.
And two: that the Halifax Regional Police are always on duty, out there cleaning up the streets and risking their lives, making sure no one steals the shoes of those who didn't quite make it home last night.

Godspeed, HRPD.
Godspeed.

Swank Home