Friday, July 01, 2005

The Onion: By Lezah

If you haven't heard of this satirical newspaper (it's published every Thursday from the exotic locale of Madison, Wisconsin and is also available online at, I suggest you look it up. According to the publishers, The Onion is the world's most popular humour publications - although I've learned a thing or two from the Onion: you can't always believe what you read (but I'm kind of takin' their word on this one).

But, regardless of that, if political humour, revisionist history, satire, irony, and irreverence are what you live for, then The Onion is the publication for you. There are no sacred cows here - everyone and everything is fair game, so please, faithful reader, check your political correctness at the door if you're interested in this one.

I have before me a book called 'The Onion Presents 100 Years of Headlines from America's Finest New Source: Our Dumb Century'.

I won't let all there secrets out, but basically it is a synopsis of headlines and happenings which took place internationally between 1900 and 1999, as 'interpreted' by the sarcastically witty minds at The Onion. Each page is presented as the real front page of a newspaper (The Onion) complete with headlines, stories and the like.

Here's just a teaser - some headlines include:

        from December 18, 1903 - SCIENCE CONQUERS SKY WITH WRIGHT BROS. FLYING MACHINE; Heaven Expedition Slated for Next Year - Rail-road Scientists Say Kitty Hawk Flying Apparatus a Hoax

        April 16, 1912 - WORLD'S LARGEST METAPHOR HITS ICE-BERG - Titanic, Representation of Man's Hubris, Sinks in North Atlantic - 1,500 Dead in Symbolic Tragedy

        August 5, 1914 - WAR DECLARED BY ALL - Austria Declares War on Serbia Declares War on Germany Declares War on France Declares War on Turkey Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain - Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on Itself

        January 23, 1924 - LENIN DEAD FROM MASSIVE 'STROKE OF THE PEOPLE'; Glorious Lack of Oxygen Distributed Equally Through Brain - Brain Parts Shut Down like Proletarian Workers Laying Down Tools to Paralyze Bourgeois Factory Owner

        Monday, November 1, 1926 - MAN VENTURES OUTSIDE HATLESS - Mere Wisps of Hair All that Stand Between Scalp, Elements

        Tuesday, October 22, 1929 - STOCK MARKET INVINCIBLE - 'Buy! Buy! Buy!' Experts Advise - Wall Street, Spirits Soaring

        Tuesday, October 29, 1929 - PENCILS FOR SALE - Stock Market Crashes; Debacle Linked to Jews, Negroes, Catholics, Anarchists, Foreigners, Women Voters

        Friday, April 30, 1937 - ART CRITICS IMPRESSED BY SATURATION BOMBING OF GUERNICA - Slaughter of Hundreds in Spanish Town Called 'A Stunning Breakthrough in Post-Cubism'

Sunday, July 4, 1937 - AMELIA EARHART MISSING - Famed Aviatrix 'Probably Just Shopping,' Search Teams Say

Wednesday, August 3, 1945 - WAR OVER! 50 Years of Nuclear Paranoia Begin Today

And so on...

In Canada, The Onion can be bought at Chapters, Indigo, and Amazon

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